takenawa junior high
by alphazodiac
Summary: AU, inu-yasha's a goth, kouga's a hobo, naraku's a stoner, oh my! chapter three up, 'stoners in paradise', inu-yasha gets dog ears surgically grafted to his head to make him more attractive, naraku loves sesshoumaru, explosions happen.
1. welcome, to takenawa junior high

hello, welcome to the hormonal world of 'takenawa junior high' let's meet the characters:  
  
inu-yasha: erm... he's a hardcore goth, very vampire-esque, very 'moody'  
  
kagome: she has the amazing ability to praise you to the top of the world one minute and destroy you with her tounge the next, prone to seemingly random mood swings  
  
miroku: a complete full-on pervert, on average, has about five girlfriends a week  
  
sango: yeah, she's a psyco and proud of it, the sad thing is, she knows where you live, and she's got a gun  
  
shippou: he's an anime otaku, has the abnormal ability to face-fault  
  
myouga: he's um... short... and um... smart... yeah...  
  
sesshoumaru: the jock, almost constantly has five-ten fangirls hanging off him  
  
rin: the hippie, she seems to be trapped in the seventies  
  
jaken: the nerd, last seen playing D&D with his level 67 half-elf battle mage, oh, yes, and he's very fugly  
  
kikyou: the zombie, she just kind of drifts around, her head in a cloud  
  
kouga: the hobo, he lives in a cardboard box behind the safeway  
  
naraku: the stoner, some of his nicknames are 'the sixth rolling stone' and 'ozzy osbourne on drugs'  
  
inu-yasha's eyes opened unto his gloriously messy room  
  
"oh god, the first day again"  
  
he half-crawled to the nearest black pair of pants and put them on  
  
"stupid morning..."  
  
he grabbed a black t-shirt  
  
"stupid school..."  
  
he stood up and grabbed a disk he had burned yesterday, scrawled upon it in black sharpie was 'PAINT IT BLACK', and put it in his CD player, it whirred into life  
  
"stupid rolling stones..."  
  
he paused to think about what he had said and then corrected himself  
  
"stupid beatles..."  
  
kaede looked at the class  
  
"hello, students, how was your summer?"  
  
they mumbled at her  
  
"well, too bad for you, now you are going to write an essay for no reason, you have forty-five minutes"  
  
inu-yasha grabbed his pen  
  
'maturity is: the realisation that everyone in the world other than you is an idiot'  
  
he smiled, this was getting somewhere  
  
'maturity is: bashed upon by far-left protestors'  
  
yeah, it was just like those bloody democrats to protest against every little thing  
  
'maturity is: just like your mom (owch! burn!)'  
  
inu-yasha pulled his hoodie up over his head  
  
'maturity is: finding out that elton john and richard simmons are the same person'  
  
the bell rang and kaede stood up  
  
"well, that wasn't quite forty-five minutes, but anyway, you guy's suck"  
  
  
  
  
  
inu-yasha slammed his lunch down on the table, rin leaned over the table to get a closer look at him  
  
"my lord, have you gone goth on us, inu-yasha?"  
  
inu-yasha flipped back his hood  
  
"times change"  
  
rin giggled like an insane school girl  
  
"ooh! I wanna be a goth too! MAN YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THEM KICKING EDGAR ALLEN POE! I AM THE EGGMAN! THEY ARE THE EGGMEN! I AM THE WALRUS! GOO GOO G'JOOB!"  
  
miroku turned to face inu-yasha  
  
"hey, check it out inu-yasha, I learned hyptnosis"  
  
he took a jewel out of his pocket  
  
"hey, where'd you get that thing?"  
  
"oh, it's just a shikon no tama, they sell them at the uwajimaya for, like, fifty cents"  
  
"cool, I'm getting one and I'm gonna, like, staple it to kagome's cat"  
  
"hey, I think you like her..."  
  
"I DO NOT!"  
  
"okay, do you want me to hyptnotise some dude or not?"  
  
"sure, whatever"  
  
he turned and walked over to Mrs. Robinson  
  
"hey, Mrs. Robinson, you're over twenty-one, right?"  
  
"erm... yes?"  
  
he drew the jewel from behind his back and began to wave it rhymically  
  
"obey me... you will get beer, M-80's, and hot chicks, then you will put them all in a brown paper bag, except for the chicks, you can just tie them up, then you will put them all behind the safeway, next to kouga's house, and leave"  
  
he snapped his fingers and she walked away, her eyes glazed over  
  
he walked back to the table and gave inu-yasha a high-five  
  
"okay, mirkou, that was royally awesome"  
  
"this is gonna be the greatest party ever"  
  
jaken walked up to the table, clutching his copy of the new york times, the headline was 'cyberporn: it's either really good or really bad, we forgot which'  
  
miroku laughed  
  
"yeah, man, you can get porn so easy on the internet..."  
  
the entire table looked at him and he blushed  
  
"I mean, not like I would know..."   
  
"oh, shut up you stupid lecher"  
  
"hey, whose the lecher here?"  
  
"you, pervert"  
  
"oh, thank's for reminding me"  
  
inu-yasha smashed his fist on the table  
  
"BLOODY WELL GOD! I HOPE YOU GET RUN OVER BY A TRUCK, IDIOT! NOUROU BAKAS!"  
  
he stormed away from the table  
  
miroku sighed and shook his head  
  
"oh, inu-yasha, he tries so hard"  
  
sango slid up and occupied inu-yasha's spot  
  
"hello, miroku, I've been stalking you for the past three weeks"  
  
  
  
inu-yasha sighed, history was SO incredulously boring   
  
"...and that is why the spartans are awesome"  
  
he leaned over to kouga  
  
"dude, I just started listening"  
  
"yeah, dude I heard something about spears, but, other that that, yeah, yeah."  
  
kouga smiled and raised his hand  
  
"yes, kouga"  
  
"well, I was thinking, the spartans were all wussies!"  
  
"they trained as soldiers from the age of five, how can you say that?"  
  
"well, first of all, they're all dead now"  
  
"I suppose I cannot argue with that"  
  
inu-yasha leaned over again  
  
"hey, dude, does my hair look good long?"  
  
"oh, shut up and get yourself an afro pick"  
  
"god, dude, jaken is so, freaking, ugly!"  
  
"ooh, just like your mom"  
  
"hey, man, that was a good one, let's write it down"  
  
"good idea"  
  
  
  
  
  
shippou walked home, spouting babble  
  
"what would you do for a klondike bar? why buy a matress anywhere else? argh! the lobster is melting! it makes my skin mutate! is this illegal, it is? YAY! get me my x-acto knife, I got's to practice my stabbin'! VALUABLE PRIZES! fifth beatle, three o'clock tea!"  
  
inu-yasha looked royally disturbed and miroku smiled  
  
"oh, it's okay, he's normally like that, I hope"  
  
  
  
inu-yasha lay in bed, mumbling  
  
"Ican'tsleepandI'llstayupuntiloneinthemorningbecauseIcan'tsleepandthenI'llwakeuplateandit'llbestupidand..."  
  
and he fell asleep  
  
...awwwwwwwww...  
  
*finis* 


	2. goth's are cute

'goth's are cute'  
  
kagome watched inu-yasha as he yawned and opened the brown paper luch bag from across the lunch room  
  
"awww... goth's are cute..."  
  
kikyou turned to her  
  
"what the heck? goth's are the embodiment of 'anti-cute'!"  
  
"yeah, I know... that's what makes them cute... they're sad!"  
  
rin stood up  
  
"I'ma go over there an' I'm gonna glomp em' right now!"  
  
kikyou attempted to put her body between rin and inu-yasha, to no avail  
  
"RIN! NOOOO!"  
  
  
  
  
  
kagome shook her head  
  
"rin, inu-yasha does not like to be glomped"  
  
she turned to kagome, tears streaming down her cheeks  
  
"but why? everyone loves glomping! I was just trying to make his frowny-face-"  
  
"some call it goth, rin"  
  
"-gothy-face happy!"  
  
"look, rin, I'm sure he didn't mean to yell at you, he's probably just P-M-S-ing"  
  
"what's that?"  
  
"look it up"  
  
inu-yasha truged home from school, muttering to himself  
  
"stupidbusdropsmeofffifteenblocksfrommyhouseandit'sstupid-"  
  
kagome ran up next to him  
  
"hey inu-yasha"  
  
"go away"  
  
he pulled a nutri-grain bar out of his pocket and began eating, leaving the wrapper behind, kagome jogged to catch up   
  
"you know, some people would call that littering"  
  
"you know, some people deserve to be dragged out of thier cardboard box under the overpass they call a house and be shot"  
  
"you're not the most optomistic person I know"  
  
"thanks for pointing that out, and anyway, it's not littering, it's ecology"  
  
"how can you say that?"  
  
"well, that wrapper came from the earth, correct?"  
  
kagome nodded  
  
"well, I just gave it back to the earth, it's only fair"  
  
kagome sighed  
  
  
  
  
  
miroku opened his lunchables and looked inside  
  
"oh, look, I lose"  
  
he smiled at inu-yasha  
  
"I think somebody love's kagome..."  
  
inu-yasha grunted  
  
"oh, you sad, sad, mislead person, if somebody loves kagome it's either you, you lecher, or kouga, because nobody has low enough standards to go out with him"  
  
"oh, I see the way you look at her, walking home from school"  
  
miroku smiled so big it looked as if his face would burst  
  
"you know, miroku, my old dad used to tell me about people like you..."  
  
"like what?"  
  
"well, first of all he would say, 'don't go near that stupid whitey'-"  
  
"but you're white"  
  
"and so is he, but anyway he would say 'those stupid whitey's are nothing but trouble, with thier libretarianisim and such'"  
  
"but..."  
  
"he's color blind, he thought I was japanese"  
  
"oh"   
  
"oh yeah, he also used to say 'don't go near those crazy stoners-"  
  
naraku walked up to the table  
  
"-speak of the devil"  
  
naraku yawned  
  
"so, um, yeah, where was I again, man?"  
  
"you're in takenawa middle school, naraku"  
  
"oh, thanks, who's naraku?"  
  
"you are, you sick, sick, stoner"   
  
"oh, yeah, and, um, where are we?"  
  
"god, your hopeless"  
  
"good god, I told you before, I only use marilana for medislinal plurposes!"  
  
"yeah, that was the understatement of the century"  
  
"yay! did I win?"  
  
"no, now go off and die"  
  
"oh, okay"  
  
naraku left to kagome's table  
  
"hey, peoples, what way is the closest dot peeler?"  
  
  
  
Mr. Breidenstein looked at the class  
  
"hello, class, today we will learn the special kinetic molecular theory of relative time zones, please take out your calculators"  
  
the class did so, kouga raised his hand  
  
"Mr. B, is it true that you were abducted by alien cows?"  
  
"no, the theory is-"  
  
"is it true that bigfoot was using your belt sander?"  
  
"no, now with all due respect, sir, shut the heck up"  
  
kouga turned to inu-yasha, his eyes widened  
  
"so, the rumors were true..."   
  
kouga stood on his chair and began singing an incredibly off-key butchering of 'Mrs. Robinson' by simon and garfunkel  
  
"And here's to you, Mr. Breidenstein,   
  
hobos loves you more than you could know. (Wo wo wo).  
  
God bless you please, Mr. Breidenstein,   
  
well, I'm either sleeping, dead, or stoned  
  
(Hey hey hey, hey hey hey).  
  
We'd like to know  
  
A little bit about you  
  
For our files.  
  
We'd like to help you learn  
  
To help yourself.  
  
Look around you. All you see  
  
Are stoned glazed over eyes.  
  
Stroll around the grounds  
  
Until you feel at home.  
  
And here's to you, Mr. Breidenstein,   
  
hobos loves you more than you could know. Wo wo wo.  
  
God bless you please, Mr. Breidenstein,   
  
well, I'm either sleeping, dead, or stoned  
  
Hey hey hey, hey hey hey.  
  
Hide it in a hiding place  
  
Where no one ever goes.  
  
Put it in your pantry with your cupcakes.  
  
It's a little secret,  
  
Just the Breidenstein affair.  
  
Most of all, you've got to hide it  
  
from the kids.  
  
Coo coo ca-choo, Mr. Breidenstein,   
  
hobos loves you more than you could know Wo wo wo.  
  
God bless you, please, Mr. Breidenstein,   
  
well, I'm either sleeping, dead, or stoned  
  
Hey hey hey, hey hey hey.  
  
Sitting on a sofa  
  
On a Sunday afternoon,  
  
Going to the candidates' debate,  
  
Laugh about it,  
  
Shout about it,  
  
When you've got to choose,  
  
Every way you look at it you lose.  
  
Where have you gone, Mr. Breidenstein?   
  
the student's turns thier glazed over eyes to you Woo woo woo.  
  
What's that you say, Mr. Breidenstein?   
  
"sorry sir I wasn't listening"   
  
Hey hey hey, hey hey hey."  
  
Mr. Breidenstein lifted one eyebrow  
  
"did you want to say something, kouga?"  
  
"um... no sir"  
  
sango stood and opened fire indescrimately with her cap gun  
  
"die, fools!"  
  
  
  
inu-yasha shot miroku  
  
"suck it, miroku"  
  
"god, inu-yasha, can we play a diffrent game other than halo? these stupid beads make it hard to hit the shoot button!"  
  
"good lord, miroku, why do you wear those things anyway? I mean, I'm goth and you don't see ne wearing any wussy little beads!"   
  
"hey, at least I'm always ready for mardi gras"  
  
"what the heck?"  
  
"well, the way I see it, every time you blink, three children are born, therefore, at least three guys get laid every time you blink, all I can say is, I like my chances"   
  
"oh, shut up, lecher"  
  
  
  
kagome trudged along the sidewalk, inu-yasha trailing barely three steps behind her  
  
"hey, kagome."  
  
"what"  
  
"I'm truly the hottest guy in the entire bloody school"  
  
"what?"  
  
"yeah, you heard me, I am SO hot, it's ridiculious"  
  
"I'll bet you're just jelaous 'cause you can't get a girlfriend"  
  
"shut up!"  
  
  
  
*finis* 


	3. stoners in paradise

'stoners in paradise'  
  
smoke poured out of inu-yasha's room, coupled with frequent giggles  
  
"dude, make inu-yasha's house a fraternity, man"  
  
"yeah, man, I mean we got weed-"  
  
"-reefer-"  
  
"-miroku calls it reefer, beer-"  
  
"-budweiser-"  
  
"-miroku calls it budweiser, porn-"  
  
"-ography-"  
  
"-miroku calls it pornography and umm... hey, we don't have any babes, man"  
  
"yeah, inu-yasha, this not cool, a frat party should have babes, man"  
  
"yeah, we need to get babes"  
  
inu-yasha looked at miroku and naraku  
  
"hey dudes, shut up, man, we just need to think, what do babes dig, man?"  
  
"do they like hot guys?"  
  
"miroku, none of us are hot, we leave that to sesshoumaru"  
  
"well the dig like, yorkshire terriers"  
  
"yeah, about any itty-bitty dog will work"  
  
"dude, I don't have a dog"  
  
"we could... like... get dog ears surgically grafted to your head..."  
  
"dude, that's the stupidest idea I've ever heard"  
  
naraku nodded  
  
"inu-yasha, man, I think it might actually work, man"  
  
"whatever, man, whatever, just get some babes"  
  
inu-yasha giggled  
  
"dude, I just noticed, 'miroku' is like 'naraku' with a 'm'"  
  
  
  
inu-yasha giggled, everything was going as planned  
  
"okay, dooder, we want you to surgically plant dog ears on my head, man"  
  
the receptionist looked at him, his face dead serious  
  
"why would you want something like that, kind sir?"  
  
inu-yasha pointed a limp finger at hime  
  
"well, first of all, we're both stoned out of our minds-"  
  
"-yeah, man, and we got cash, man"  
  
the receptionist looked at inu-yasha, then at naraku, then back at inu-yasha  
  
"I assume you've both have just been smoking a doobie, eh?"  
  
inu-yasha smiled drunkenly  
  
"yeah, and miroku brought porn...and beer"  
  
"dude, miroku is awesome"  
  
"YEAH!"  
  
they smashed thier heads together  
  
"so, uh, can you ask plastic-surgery-guy to do my friend over here?"  
  
"do me?"  
  
"you know, 'do' as in like 'surgery-etise'"  
  
"oh, good"  
  
"so how much will this cost, man?"  
  
"well, first of all, how much do you have?"  
  
both boys fumbeled with thier bockets and put it all on the table: a roll of nickels, lyrics to thier new song 'spring break at the nudist colony' and a twenty dollar bill  
  
"so, my most awsomest receptionist, can you do it?"  
  
the receptionist grabbed the pile and stuck it all in the cash register  
  
"yes, if you don't want any anesthetic"  
  
"oh, it's cool, we have beer"  
  
  
  
...the next morning...  
  
inu-yasha cradeled his aching head, it felt as if a hobo weilding a hatchet had just been duct taped directly to his brain  
  
"man, what did we do last night"  
  
"well, you wouldn't remember, we all got drunk and you decided getting dog ears on your head would make chicks like you"  
  
"well, if we all got drunk, why do you remember?"  
  
"well, I only got kinda drunk, you got really drunk."  
  
"oh, that kinda makes sense"  
  
inu-yasha felt the top of his head, and froze  
  
"you're serious, aren't you"  
  
"dude, there are dog ears on top of your head, I wasn't joking"  
  
"you mean you let me get cut open by some whacktard and you let him stick dog ears in me?"  
  
"hey, it was your idea, we were just chanting 'do it'"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"dude, go to 'realultimatepower. net'"  
  
jaken leaned over from his crappy library computer  
  
"why?"  
  
"just shut up and do it, you little prick"  
  
"whatever"  
  
inu-yasha glanced at the computer, having only a bare understanding of reading and writing only one word caught his eye  
  
'...ninjas...'  
  
he kicked the annoing little wusshole out of the seat and took his spot on the computer  
  
"hey, miroku, check this out, 'a ninja's job is to run around and kill people'"  
  
"dude, you could be a ninja"  
  
"I so totally could man, I just need a sword, and an almost limitless supply of mind-bending drugs"  
  
"well, I can get you the sword, the sell them at the uwajimaya for, like, fifty cents, man"  
  
"dude, everything at uwajimaya is fifty cents"  
  
"dude, if you know that, you spend way too much time there"  
  
smoke once again poured out of inu-yasha's bedroom  
  
"dude, I just thought of the awesomest thing, man-"  
  
"-dude, I know what you're going to say, man, like telepathy, man-"  
  
"-okay, okay, the only reason we die is because we accept it as an inevitability"  
  
shesshoumaru walked in, curious about the smoke billowing from under the door  
  
"dude, little brother, where did you get all this stuff?"  
  
"from miroku's hyptnotisim"  
  
"yeah, man, that stuff is awesome"  
  
"okay, you guys are so wasted"  
  
naraku leaned over to shesshoumaru, almost falling down  
  
"I wish I had a nice girl like you"  
  
shesshoumaru, royally freaked out, ran out of the room, almost tripping on the remenants of the disabled smoke detector.   
  
"dude, inu-yasha, your sister is hot."  
  
"dude, miroku, that was my brother, shesshoumaru"  
  
"oh, dang, well, darn, I thought I had a chance with him..."  
  
"aw... it's okay, you'll find a better boyfriend"  
  
"I know, wait... boyfriend?"  
  
"well, my brother *is* a guy"  
  
"yeah?"  
  
"and you thought he was hot"  
  
"that was when I thought he was a chick"  
  
"oh, well, that sounded wrong"  
  
"let us not speak of this conversation ever again"  
  
"agreed"  
  
"dude, we're out of popcorn"  
  
"oh, screw you miroku"  
  
"dude, what are we gonna watch, man?  
  
"well, I was thinking of 'bill and ted' but, they're gay-"  
  
"-just like sesshoumaru and naraku together?"  
  
"good one, miroku, and 'wayne's world' might motivate you to grow your hair out"  
  
"so, what are we watching? all the good rocker and stoner movies are gone"  
  
"well, we're watching MOST EXTREME ELIMINATION CHALLENGE!"  
  
"what is it?"  
  
"oh, just some poorly dubbed japanese game show, its freaking hilarious"  
  
"really, I'm so glad that we're not japanese"  
  
"yeah, 'cuz then we would always have our lip movements and voice out of sync and then we would have little letters on the ground"  
  
"you mean subtitles?"  
  
"whatever"  
  
"those aren't real, and japanese people normally aren't poorly dubbed"  
  
"oh, whatever"  
  
"idiot"   
  
  
  
*finis* 


End file.
